S. did answer the questions I put to him. His answers made it clear we were looking for different things. I intended for this post to be about that exchange, maybe I will save that for later.

The last time I saw S. was in July and I have not really put much effort into exploring D/s since then.

Let me take off my D/s hat for a moment and put on my slut hat. The day after this post is published I am scheduled to be at a half day conference at the Toronto Marriott Courtyard.

Do you Have a room there or nearby? Want to fuck over lunch? Conference finishes at 12:30 pm. Be a good boy and do your homework to find my email. No guarantees in this life, but if you are interesting I may bite.

I’m not sure where I am with the whole D/s thing right now. I have mostly been engaging in casual hook ups with friends, but it has been too long since I met someone new.

S did not reply to my confirmation email, but I did not specify that it was a confirmation email.

There was a very odd incident while buying our tickets: I purchased mine at the machines (we had agreed it was a platonic date so I felt I should pay for me), while he wanted to go to the cashier. I finished first and went to stand by the ticket taker entrance. When S got to the front of the line I saw the cashier motion over to the machines, and off he went. I assumed he wanted to pay by plastic and maybe the cashier was cash only. At this point I realized I was still wearing my sunglasses so I swapped them out for my regular glasses. When I looked up he was completely gone.

What would you think?

I waited about 5 minutes, then called his office line. He doesn’t want me to have his cell, but sometimes the voicemails are connected. Left a message, sent an email and after 10 minutes I was getting set to go see the movie myself. Then he showed up.

He said he thought I had gone to the bar across the road. Later he revised and said he thought I had ditched him.

Anyway I look at this it reflects a very low opinion of me, and possibly deep insecurities in S that he thinks I would show up for a date only to ditch him seconds later.

We proceeded to the movie. As I mentioned above, S had sent me an email acknowledging that as this was the first time we have seen each other since calling it off that this would be a platonic date.

I have to admit that when S did give me some space, prior to us meeting tonight, I did get more comfortable with him by email, sent some flirty emails and said I hoped we would progress. However I made it clear that this was a future hope, that I was not ready to go there yet. I did agree to and intend to keep the movie platonic. Several times during the movie S tried to make it more, while it is true I would have welcomed this from someone else, with our history, I needed S to show he could respect my pace and my limits.

At the end of the movie S said he was sorry I was disappointed, to which I replied that I was not. I felt he was being passive aggressive about other feelings, or maybe projecting his own feelings onto me. I was right he really thought I was being cold. I reminded him that we were being platonic. I also mentioned that since he spent most of the movie checking his watch that if he was in a rush he could head off and I was comfortable making my own way home. He rushed down the stairs in front of me, mumbled something about looking at his watch so much because he needed the washroom and sort of said good-bye over his shoulder.

I wasn’t clear on if he was pissed about me taking my own way home or in a rush to get home or a bit of both. I stuck around after I used the loo because I didn’t want to be accused of ditching him and therefore being more cold. He offered me a lift again and I declined again at which point he offered to walk me to the bus. He made it most of the way to the stop, but when he saw the bus for another line pull up he almost ran to catch it even though I told him it wasn’t mine. He seemed to suddenly loose interest in walking me and rather abruptly said good bye.

All in all it was an incredibly socially awkward evening.

I had sent S. some questions about what he wants in a D/s relationship. He has said he will answer them by July 10. I am not optimistic.

Nothing terrible, explosive or emotionally draining has happened recently. I am coming to the realization that the fact that I expect it to, means I am not yet ready to jump back into a relationship with S.

I have been compiling a pro / con list about S. I am not sure how useful these lists are. It is very unlikely that anyone would appreciate seeing a pro / con list about themselves so it can’t be used as a productive discussion tool. I am also unsure how to weight the items. People all have flaws, and in our friends and family we overlook those flaws in favor of the things we value in them and in the relationship.

It is only fair to point out some of my own flaws if I am going to point to S’s. I’m sure this is not an exhaustive list:

- I’m emotionally cold. I am much more likely to say “I want to fuck you” than “I miss you / need you / love you”.

- I am an aggressive type-A personality. I have an opinion on how things should be done, and unless you have really thought through the full implications of why you are doing what you are doing and can articulate it well, then my way is right.

- I’m a time-control freak. I hate being late, I go to movies 20 min early to choose seats, I account for every quarter hour of my work day, I backwards critical path Saturday chores through dinner, I guard my personal time and god help you if you make me late for something, even by 5 minutes!

- I have zero patience. I want things done right, and I want them done right now.

I definitely have many more faults, but you get the idea that I don’t see myself as a paragon of virtue.

I am never sure if it is kinder to begin with the pros or cons. I figure either way it is done people tend to focus on the negative and minimize or forget any positive.

Positives:

Mature: S is mature in years, which I believe is essential for me in a D/s relationship. He is also mature in attitude and demeanor, which I also believe is critical to a D/s relationship.

Intelligent: S is well educated, well read and makes a clear effort to continue learning. He is also smart enough to know he does not know-it-all, which I think, is one of the best indicators of intelligence.

Politically Savvy: S is a political player although modestly. He understands the political sphere and can discuss it with ease and comfort.

Confident: S can be confident without being controlling and more importantly without being cocky. Most importantly his confidence does not devalue others.

Tall: not that anyone has control over their height, but I do prefer tall men.

Secure: S has a good career and a stable life. I don’t need to worry about accommodating job or financial issues.

Married: For men this is essential, my search for a Dom is purely “on the side”, I have a primary relationship that I am committed to, I find this becomes difficult with single men.

Geeky: S likes sci-fi and games, as a geek I like other geeks.

Finer tastes: Not that I don’t like beer, it just happens to be craft beer, my wines are local, I like theater, books and I make fun of people with mullets who drink coors light.

Has Playspace: S is willing to arrange play spaces. To put it crudely, this is a cost of entry with me. I will not provide my place and I will not pay for a hotel.

I should mention here that S meets all of the criteria on my usual list for a Dom and some more. The items above are mostly the big ticket items. These are the reasons I would walk away if they were not met.

The list of problems are really little things that grate on me. The positives should be weighted much higher than the problems.

Plunging Ahead: S is determined to see us back in a relationship. He does tell me that he is not trying to pressure me and that he is giving me time, he tells me this frequently, in almost every email or phone call. The problem is as soon as I give him an inch he wants the mile. When I first responded to email he wanted a phone call, the very first phone call he was asking about seeing me in person again and now that I have agreed to the movie (tonight, not yet happened) he has already asked if he can buy me something that I would wear all the time to remind me of him. I have discussed this ramping up of expectations with him. He tells me that it is to show his interest. I have been clear that it makes me want to back off, in return I get the disclaimers about not wanting to pressure me but the behaviour continues.

Community: I am somewhat leery of a Dom that hands me a resume with 20+ years of experience. It makes me think that as an inexperienced sub and a switch that I will never meet his expectations. I also feel a bit put off that he is trying to impress me with his list of conquests rather than get to know me and see if we like each other. S on the other hand seems to have no experience. Which may not bother me, but he also does not seem to be actively taking advantage of the resources on FetLife. He is not part of a Dominant community, as far as I know he is not being mentored. On the few occasions I have seen him approach the community it has been to crowd source the community for his own needs not to participate.

Questions: I don’t have kids, but I am getting a dose of what constant questions feels like. Trouble is that S makes them all about me and it feels like an interrogation. I have brought this up to him, he says it is the lawyer in him. It feels like questioning is the only way he can think to get to know me, and while a few questions are flattering the barrage is overwhelming and really puts me off.

Sexless Marriage: I recently found out S does not have sex with his wife. This is the only problem that would appear on my big list. I was under the impression that they did, but I may have asked a more vague question like “do you have a happy marriage”. Personally I would consider a marriage without sex to be by definition unhappy. I typically would not take up with a man who has no sex in their marriage because I don’t want to be their only outlet for sex. I don’t want someone to bond sexually only to me since I will not bond sexually only to them. I think that any sexual relationship that has multiple partners will only work if everyone has multiple partners, otherwise there are frustrations and jealousies.

“It won’t happen again”: also know as “I don’t make the same mistake twice”. S is good at sticking to key messages and memorizing rules. I think that I feel as though he uses these phrases of assurance as reparation, and because reparation has not been made, and in some cases maybe cannot be made, I feel they are empty words he wants me to respect.

“I only did that because I thought…”: usually when I speak with S about a behaviour that is troubling me he will tell me either why he *had* to do it that way, or that he did it that way because he thought that was what I wanted. Typically what I want in these cases is the opposite. This leaves me feeling like I have to be responsible for both of our actions. It also makes me question how I am possibly communicating so poorly as to solicit actions that are so drastically different from my actual needs.

Criticism: S can take criticism in that he won’t get mad about it. But, he still doesn’t seem to take it well. First he will deflect “I only did that because you…”. If that doesn’t work he will defer “It won’t happen again…” which feels like “case closed!”. Finally any criticism from me seems to lead to generalizations. It is hard to give an example of this last, I will need to write them down.

Owning: I realize that part of D/s is control over the sub. But S seems to be digging for a part of me that can be his. He wants me to wear a reminder of him (I don’t even wear a ring for my primary partner). He was keen on sci-fi until he found out I share that with my partner, then he seemed to want to drop it and look for something else. The defining thing S can give me that my partner cannot is a longer term D/s experience, but this does not seem to be sufficient for him, yet it is all that I want.

Needy: S tells me he wants me but does not need me, which is exactly what I want to hear. He knows I equate need with weakness. He is extremely careful to avoid the language of need. But this aspect of him is the one that gives me the most trouble. He had said many times over that he wants me to use more reciprocal language about wanting him and thinking of him and being smitten with him (all things he says to me). In his place, I would want these things but I would want them to happen unprompted, so that I knew they were true when they happened. That he wants them so much makes me want to do them less and also makes me want him less. Another issue that makes me feel neediness in him is that most of the scenarios he is attracted to (lusty Lolita seducing Daddy, stripper, collared) all go towards my demonstrating how much I want him, they don’t focus on many core elements of discipline, bondage or increased sexual competence that I hope to gain from D/s they seem to be purely to boost his ego. Just like I can’t be anyone’s only sexual outlet, I also can’t be anyone’s point of validation.

I feel like that is the reaction this post will provoke, possibly rightly so.

I’m thinking of giving S another try.

Am I stupid? Gullible? Naive? Very possibly.

You ask, “What the fuck am I thinking?”

Part of me isn’t. At least part of it is raw physical attraction. Which does in itself tell me something. I’m not really a “fuck your enemy” girl. Typically when someone pisses me off that is the end of attraction. So the fact that the attraction remains and remains strong is fairly unique.

The major deciding factor was the discovery of a significant miscommunication.

Early on I had given my customary warning that D/s relationships don’t often work out for me in the sub role as I often end up in control.

Couple this with the fact that I made it clear that I will playfully disobey. As well as some FetLife members warning S that as a switch I would challenge him constantly.

The result was that he thought he needed to transform into some sort of hard core drill sergeant my-way-or-the-highway gorilla.

Needless to say this isn’t the type of person I am inclined to follow. I see this personality type as out of control, not in control.

But, if he is really not this type? If his reactions were only an attempt to accommodate me, then what does this mean?

Does it mean he has my best interests at heart and that I should give him another chance? Or, does it mean he is so susceptible to influence that he will never be a strong leader and I should stick to my original decision?

I found this article on FetLife, and while I am not reading it as gospel I am leaning on it heavily for reference with this second chance concept.

To read the full article without my commentary and including glossary please use the link below.

I have inserted my thoughts on the situation with S, in the article pasted here.

http://fetlife.com/users/15098/posts/56856

The Acid Tests
(Sorting real Tops from fakers)
Note by DrSpankenstein

This is an article I wrote for “Power Lines” back in 1998, it’s somewhat dated now but I’m still surprised how many requests I get to repost it. Since I have space here to do it, I thought I might as well for convenience sake. It still expresses some philosphies and opinions I hold personally valid.

Introduction

The term ‘Acid Test’ is an old prospecting term. A powerful acid can dissolve most base metals in a matter of minutes. However, gold will stand up to most acids. So the ‘Acid Test’ was an easy way for people to make sure they had a real nugget of gold and not a lump of the ‘fool’s’ variety. In the same way, these tests are meant to be quick ways to identify fake Doms. Passing all these tests is no guarantee either, there is no replacement for getting to know your prospective partner as well as possible before you even meet in person.
Now most of these tests are designed in mind for a submissive female trying to sort through men claiming to be Doms online. They are largely based on the many questions I get asked by my female friends still searching for a Dominant partner. Some of them can probably be used by male subs as well, but for the most part, these tests are best for ferreting out male fakes. Vanilla males are usually after ‘easy sex’ and this motive makes them easier to identify than a lot of the fake Dommes out there.

Step One: Do the Math

Various estimates and surveys have placed the ratio of real (i.e. natural) male sexual Dominants to female sexual submissives at about one to ten. However, a quick count in any given BDSM oriented chat room would lead you to believe that male Doms outnumber the subs at about two to one. Now if there is actually only one male Dom for every ten female subs, that means that 19 out of the 20 “Doms” you see online have to be fakes. Keep this in mind. There is a 95% chance that any man you talk to online claiming to be a Dom is no such thing. This leads us to our first rule, a rule that all statisticians and scientists already know by heart: “When in doubt, throw it out!”

Your search for a suitable Dominant partner (especially if you are seeking a serious long-term relationship as well) could easily take years. That’s hardly surprising, most people spend years looking for that special lover, be they ‘vanilla’ or otherwise. So don’t be disheartened by all these drastic ratios. But don’t waste your time either. If any of the prospects you are chatting with online makes you feel uncomfortable for any reason, drop him. Don’t give him ‘three strikes’ or ‘extra chances to win.’ Block out his screen-name and move on. There was only a one in twenty chance he was legitimate anyway. Trust your instincts!

Girl’s Comment: I’m not sure how much I believe in these numbers. It does seem very counterintuitive given the drastic reversal online. On the other hand it could explain my limited success online. If I buy into this part of the acid test then there is one strike against S since I do have doubts. And in this model one is enough.

Step Two: Know Your Enemy

We call them Snerts. We call them HNG’s (Horny Net Geeks). We call them Wannabes. We call them Control Freaks. And sometimes, tragically, we even find some that can only be called rapists and predators. They are all your enemy. Don’t bother thinking they are anything less. Even a more or less well meaning Snert can land you in a hospital. Real BDSM is not for dilettantes or amateurs: Not, no, and never! Even if he turns out to be a more or less nice guy, if he’s not a Dom, he’s not going to give you what you really need. He will likely give you many things you don’t need, like medical bills and other assorted headaches.

Snerts are basically looking for easy sex. They are counting on the (highly inaccurate) assumption that sexual submissives are simply sexually promiscuous. Nothing could be farther from the truth, but that doesn’t deter them at all. They are typically middle aged to somewhat older men. They are often married. They are usually trying to bolster their flagging vanilla sex lives with some casual screwing around. They target submissives because they think that they won’t make demands on there sexual prowess (another bad assumption). They can be easily spotted because they almost always demand or at least emphasize sexual intercourse being a part of their ‘scenes.’

Girl’s Comments: S fits into some of this, he is older and married (which is generally my type), but he does not emphasize intercourse (I do) and he does show much broader interests.

HNG’s are usually the most harmless (and yet often the most annoying) of the enemy types. Most are teenagers and young men looking for some quick cyber-sex or even phone-sex. They are usually pretty sophisticated about their BDSM jargon and the ‘scenes’ they describe to you can be pretty elaborate. Geeks do their homework. They scour the porno sites for ideas, and hang out in BDSM chats for hours on end learning the lingo. The are most easily spotted because they want to move on to cyber-sex and phone sex very quickly. They like to offer online collars, and spend hours on end in chat rooms ‘playing’ with their ‘subbies.’ Don’t waste your time with them.

Girl’s Comments: I don’t think S fits into this type at all. He doesn’t do nearly enough homework to go there. I have however become much better at spotting this type. In fact, this type is why I have started moving to the in person meeting much sooner.

The second most dangerous type of enemy is the Control Freak. Control freaks are what most psychologists and therapists call ‘controlling personalities.’ They are basically obsessed with control of everything around them, especially the people in their lives. They want all their family, friends, and even coworkers to behave exactly as they say. They are extremely manipulative people. These men can be dangerous because many really have convinced themselves that they are Dominants as a way to justify their dysfunctional lives. Many inexperienced submissives find themselves ‘naturally’ attracted to these men because outwardly they seem so ‘in command’ of things all the time. The truly ironic (and sad) thing is, a controlling personality is actually the closest thing to the opposite of a sexual Dominant.
Controls Freaks can be spotted because they often talk about ‘taking care of you’ and also ‘knowing what’s best for you.’ They almost always try to play on your emotions; especially guilt. They also usually criticize and even resent the advice you get from other people. They often talk about 24/7 BDSM relationships without going into any details about what kind of actual scenes they play. They are fond of telling you that they prefer the ‘mental aspect’ of Domination and submission. They tend to be both demanding and argumentative. Nothing you do will ever be quite right. While all this may seem very repulsive and easy to avoid, be on your guard, the average control freak often seems very charming initially. Once they have their hooks into you its very hard to get untangled.

Girl’s Comments: S’s last email that basically read “I don’t need to answer your questions, in fact I will punish you for asking them” set off major red flags for this type. On the other hand he has not responded that way before… maybe the break-up… And he said, both times, that it was in response to me saying he was not strong enough. This one hurts my head.

The last and most dangerous type of enemy is the rapist or predator. These are the men most likely to damage or even end your life. The truly frightening thing about these evil men it that there is NO easy way to spot them. Rapists can be anything from bums to bank mangers, and anyone from family members to total strangers. One in four women has suffered an attack from this vile creature, and one in seven men as well! Their motive is violence. The best defense is never make yourself too vulnerable.

To defend yourself from predators, learn all the ins and outs of setting up a good Safety Net. Follow these procedures religiously. Most important of all take your time getting to know your prospective play partners. This is good advice in any case. If you know your partner well, you’re more likely to have a good time with him, because you will feel more comfortable during that first scene. Predators are more likely to move on in search of easy prey, they do tend to be impulsive. If a ‘Dom’ you have been talking too suddenly seems to loose interest in you after a period of time, you may have just saved your own life. Don’t go chasing after anybody. A true Dom doesn’t need to play ‘hard to get.’

Step 3: Know your goal!

Take the time to figure out what you want. It’s often hard for newbie subs to do this because sometimes they lack knowledge of what choices are available to them. So arm yourself with knowledge! There are many fine publications, books, and internet websites that cater to sexual submissives. So start reading! Learn about the different types of play and how they should be conducted. Learn everything you can about how to set up a Safety Net. Learn all the dos and don’ts of meeting others and playing safely. Decide what your Limits are and set them down on paper. This may seem like a lot of homework to do in the name of fun, but also keep in mind that that it’s your ass that’s (literally) on the line here.

Know what a real Dom acts like. Remember, you are probably a sexual submissive because you are in control the rest of the time. You are strong! Likely even ambitious as well. You have a career, or goals, or a lifestyle that demands this high level of energy and control. So giving away your control is a beautiful respite from everyday life. Your power and energy are things you only want to give to someone you trust, and in intimate situations at that. It’s a very personal thing to you!

Well guess what, sexual Dominants are usually the compliment of this. We are often strong people too, and we do tend to be intelligent. We are often highly trained professionals or skilled craftsmen. However, we tend to avoid lifestyles and careers that demand we be in control all the time. We tend to be easygoing. I have never in my life met, or even heard of, an uptight sexual Dominant. We like being in control in intimate situations. It’s a respite from the way we live our everyday lives. We are not really the opposite of you, but we are the ‘puzzle piece’ that fits next to you snugly. In another words, don’t look for a Dom that’s exactly like you. You won’t find him. Don’t look for a Dom that wants to run your whole life; he doesn’t exist.
Above all, if you’re prospective Dom seems like a generally nice guy, you’re likely on the right track! Take the time to get to know him. Don’t let the five control freaks on the other side of the chat room demand your attention. A real Dominant isn’t likely to make ‘demands’ until its time to play.

Step 4: Memorize the Acid Tests!

Test #1: When in doubt, throw it out! Don’t waste your time with people that make you feel uncomfortable. Even if the guy was a real Dom, if his personality makes you feel uncomfortable, he’s not going to be fun to play with.

GC: FAIL

Test #2: “You’d better call me Sir!” is the mating call of a HNG or control freak. Real Doms don’t have to ask for titles, we earn them. Most real Doms will say things like “please, call me Mike…”

GC: unsure, he never got all touchy about it, I wanted this more than he did.

Test #3: “I want you to take my collar before you play with me.” This is another common demand of fakes, most often made by control freaks. They have to isolate you from other people and their advice, and sometimes a little ole “cyber-collar” is just the thing! Cyber-collars are worth less than the leather required to make one.

GC: PASS (conditional) he gets that it is my choice to submit, but his response really pushed past the boundaries of this in assuming he could punish for behaviour I had not yet agreed to.

Test #4: If you get an Instant Message that says something like “On your knees you [slave, slut, bitch, whore, etc.]” This is the mating call of the HNG. Use some common sense here. Why waste time with somebody that’s not even polite? There’s a time and a place for these endearing terms, and it isn’t online!

GC: PASS

Test #5: “I don’t have to answer that question!” or “It’s not proper etiquette for you to ask a Master that.” are examples of some the dangerous lies that control freaks and snerts use. This is the Acid test I personally think is the most important! A Dom had better be ready to at least try and answer every question you have, and honestly at that! It’s literally your ass that’s on the line! Never forget this!

GC: FAIL see His Response

Test #6: “It’s my way or the highway!” or words to that effect, are the mating cry of the common control freak. Doms can have Limits too, but it’s your Limits that count FIRST. Don’t let any would-be ‘Dom’ tell you differently. Don’t let any of the wannabe subs tell you differently either. Where Male Dom/Fem sub play is concerned, it’s always lady’s choice!

GC: Unsure, the way he decided to call it off when I freaked out about the hotel really felt “my way or the highway”, but I have not felt that from him before and he said it was in response to what he thought was me testing him.

Test #7: Don’t bother with online collars. Don’t make decisions about a prospective partner based on his online play style. It’s a very simple test if you think about it: would a real life Dominant waste much time on cyber sex? Please take my word for it; the answer is no. Forget it, once you’ve done the real thing, cyber is just too damn dull.

GC: PASS

Test #8: Ask your prospect if he’s ever made any mistakes during a scene. If he says ‘no,’ run for your life! If he says, ‘very rarely,’ at least be suspicious. Everyone makes mistakes, even if they are experienced and skilled. Sometimes submissives have Limits they don’t even know about, and even the most careful and skilled Dom the world will trip over these occasionally. Remember, according to our good friends of the Christian faith, the last perfect guy to walk this planet got nailed to a tree for his trouble. So expect competence, but not miracles.

GC: N/A he says he doesn’t have prior experience. Or PASS

Test #9: “I’m a [bank president, captain of industry, combat photographer, self-made millionaire… yadda yadda yadda.]” Wouldn’t it be nice to meet a rich Dom too? Sure it would! But use some common sense too. How many captains of industry have hours to spend in an AOL chat room? Also, think about this personality profile; if this super successful, always-in-control person is really into BDSM, he’s likely a submissive! Worse yet, it could very likely mean he is a control freak. I have met a lot of submissives that fit this ambitious profile, but not one Dom yet!

GC: PASS

Test #10: “I’m 33 years old, and I’ve been a Master for 15 years.” Gimme a break! What are the odds? When you ask about a Dom’s level of experience (and it’s a good idea to do so) remember to do the math as well. 18 year-old boys don’t care about the intricacies of BDSM; they want to get laid. Trust me on this one Ladies, I was an 18 year-old boy once! I personally believe that people do become what they are (be it gay, straight, Dom or sub) very early in life, but it takes maturity and training to be a Master. What are the odds a person became a Master when they were still using clearacil?

GC: PASS

Test #11: Ask for references! Especially if he claims to be ‘very experienced.’ Talk to the references on the phone. Lots of HNG’s have female screen-names set up to act as ‘references’ for them! I notice that a lot of newbies seem to have trouble with this concept. Which is understandable since in the vanilla world it’s considered rude to talk to a guy’s ex-girlfriend. However, in the BDSM Scene it’s the opposite, experienced Dominants should accept and accommodate this kind of request gladly.

GC: N/A or PASS

Test #12: “I have three real life collared slaves right now, but you can’t talk to them.” Okay, when you consider the ratio and all, this sounds possible. What makes this an acid test failed (and failed miserably at that) is the last part. I have met couples (and even triples) that really were looking for an extra person to add to the mix. This is not uncommon at all in the Scene. But these couples were looking together. If a ‘Dom’ has anyone already collared to them, you probably ought to talk to her first!

GC: N/A or PASS

Test #13: “I don’t need safe words.” Well of course he doesn’t! If he said this he’s likely a snert and therefore he’s never really been in a scene! Of course he might be a predator too, and then he wouldn’t need safewords either. Need I say more?

GC: PASS

Test #14: “My slaves trust me to set their Limits for them.” If you hear a ‘Dom’ say this it’s most likely because these slaves only exist in his mind. Or worse still, his ‘slave’ is simply the victim of spouse abuse. Even so called TPE (Total Power Exchange) and other sorts of 24/7 (i.e. full time) BDSM relationships should involve careful and thorough negotiation.

GC: PASS

Test #15: “I’m Married, my wife can’t know about us” If I have to explain this one too you, you’ve got problems. I have played with many married submissives in my time, but only with the express permission (and more often than not, participation) of their husbands. Safe BDSM requires complete honesty. You can’t build a good Scene on lies. There are plenty of people that will be willing to tell you differently; but please note, they will all turn out to be adulterers (and hence, liars) themselves.

GC: Given that I play almost exclusively with married partners I obviously should not judge this one the same way.

Test #16: Insert your own Acid Test here: You will learn much from your mistakes and missteps. If you form an online contact with a “Dom” that falls through, analyze why it fell through. Don’t make the same mistakes twice if you can help it.

GC: S score 11 of a possible 14…

Step 5: It’s not just the men you have to screen!

Finding some female submissives to be buddies with you on your quest is a very good idea. Especially if they are experienced players; they can give you unique perspectives, emotional support, and even references to legitimate Doms to play with. They can also, most importantly, provide a Safety Net for you during those first meetings with the men you meet. The benefits of teaming up with other women in your search should be obvious!

However, be just as cautious about what you hear from other women online as well. If you are so inclined to search for a Domme for instance, the Acid tests should apply just as well. Be very cautious about the women you meet online that claim to be submissives as well. There are a great number of female HNG’s who live their BDSM lifestyle in the vacuum of cyber-space. Their advice and experiences are not only useless in the real world, they can be dangerous.

Another class of “female enemy” is even more tragic and dangerous; the Victim.
A Victim is just that; a victim of physical and/or mental abuse that uses BDSM as an excuse to continue denying the reality of her tragic situation. These people are disturbingly common as well. They are dangerous to you too! These women are not just full of very dangerous advice, but they are usually very vehement about telling you that their lifestyle is the only “real BDSM.” They can fill your head full of doubts faster than one of the male enemy types.
Spare little sympathy, tell them to get help, and stay the heck away from them (in exactly this order). It may seem mercenary, but it is in fact the right thing to do. This is my training as a CASA (Citizens Against Spouse Abuse) volunteer talking. An abuse victim can only save herself, and then only when she is ready to do so. If you let her vent her frustrations and fears on you, she will then go back to her familiar little hell, leaving you emotionally drained and likely scared too. Your quest for safe play partners is going to be tough enough as it is. Avoid Victims completely if you can, and if you can’t, urge them to get help. It’s not your job to save the world, keeping yourself safe and happy is enough work.

In Closing

This all seems like a lot of work. It is. Some of it sounds awfully scary too. It should. So why bother with this quest at all? Why not just stick “cyber only” in your profile and forget real life BDSM? Why not just drop it all together? I can give you only one good reason; when it is done safely, and it suits your needs, it can be the one of the most profoundly fulfilling experiences in your life! I used to cringe at terms like “sex magic,” but now that I know the spells, I’m an unabashed Wizard! Besides, any student of psychology can tell you that denial has its own dangers too. The easy roads are not the ones that lead to interesting places. So arm yourself with knowledge, find yourself some trustworthy friends to share the journey, and start walking. Just don’t forget to bring your Acid Tests too!

E-mail 1:

As the wannabe Dom in our wannabe relationship, it is not appropriate for me to complete homework assignments given to me by the wannabe sub. Your last email is a major case of topping from the bottom. I think that if we do get together, you have earned a punishment–which will likely be a fun punishment–for trying to give me an assignment.

E-mail 2:

If we ever get to a hotel, I am going to spank you. I will do so with affection, gentleness and creativity in the hope that you can learn to enjoy being spanked by me. Have you seen anything about techniques for the Dom to use to “break in” the sub and introduce her to the joys of being spanked?

LOL I will be giving myself lots of homework assignments.

E-mail 3: “My private stripper”

If we do get together, I am going to order you to become my private stripper. You will buy a stripper costume complete with stripper shoes. You will buy a cd with stripper music which you will play for me when I ask you to strip. You may slip up when stripping. I will leave the possible consequences to your imagination for now. I may take you to a strip club so that you can watch the pros and get some ideas for pleasing me.

This is NOT an answer to your assignment. I am giving you a heads up so that you can make the necessary purchases–when you feel comfortable about me–and so that you can have some fun anticipating the possible scenes.

Here is the challenge I posed to S. It comes in two parts first my scene as illustration and then the analysis of the scene for the details I need him to include in his scene to show me he “gets” this. If he does indeed get this, that will go a long way to restoring trust.

The Scene:

****
Characters:
Daddy
Girl

Scene:
Large private room like a dining hall or living room with lots of extra space. A table and chair are positioned at the far end of the room opposite a window. A glass of water sits on the windowsill. Daddy is sitting in the chair looking at the window with a hard cover book in his lap. He has discreetly hidden a crop by his chair.

Equipment:
Hard cover book
Crop
Table
Chair
Windowsill
Glass of water

[Girl enters room, Daddy is sitting on the chair by the table]

Daddy: could you get me that glass of water [points].

[Girl walks across the room, Daddy counts her steps out loud as she does]

Girl: [returning with the water] uh, here. What’s with the counting?

[Daddy holds out book to girl]

Daddy: Here I got you this book, we’re going to have some fun.

Girl: Thanks…

[looks at book, seems unimpressed]

Girl: uh, I have already read Alice in Wonderland, actually I have this edition.

[Daddy: smiles]

Daddy: it isn’t to read. I want you to put the book on your head and walk to the window and back.

Girl: [looking puzzled] why?

Daddy: because it will make me happy to see what a graceful girl I have and I will give you a reward.

Girl: [still skeptical] ok…

[Girl starts walking across the room with the book on her head, about half way it falls].

Daddy: Pick up the book and come here.

[waits for Girl to come back, Daddy takes the book and puts it on the table, holds Girl firmly by the wrist as Daddy pulls the crop out from behind the chair]

Daddy: now, bend over the table, lift your skirt and pull down your panties.

Girl: What?!

Daddy: I said I like to admire my graceful Girl, we’re going to work on poise today. Now, do I need to tell you again, or will you be my good girl and do as you are told?

Girl: No, I mean yes Daddy I will be good, no you don’t need to tell me again.

Daddy: that’s my good girl, I don’t like having to ask you twice… [waits as Girl complies]… Now let’s see… It was your first try so we will only count the way there that was 20 steps and you completed 10 of them so you will need to take 10 lashes for the ones you didn’t complete.

Girl: [quietly] yes Daddy.

Daddy: What was that, I didn’t hear you?

Girl: thank you Daddy.

Daddy: Good girl, now count for me.

[Daddy deals out 10 lashes with the crop of increasing strength, Girl counts]

Daddy: That’s my good girl, I’m sure you won’t want to drop my book again. Ok, up you get [hands Girl the book]… try again.

[Girl starts again being much more careful. This time she drops the book a few steps after she turns back]

Daddy: See, you did MUCH better this time, that’s my Girl! Bring the book here and make yourself ready for your reminder… [after Girl does so]… Good girl. Now let’s see you only made it three steps back, which means you had 17 steps left so that is 17 lashes…

Girl: [interrupting] wait! You said I did better! Why am I getting more!?

Daddy: I was easy on you because it was your first try, you should thank me for not giving you 30 lashes your first try.

Girl: [grudgingly] thank you Daddy.

Daddy: What was that my darling?

Girl: [nicely] thank you Daddy.

Daddy: there’s my good girl, now count for me…

***
The game continues until Girl completes the task and earns her reward, or, until Daddy decides she is not going to be able to complete it now and he wants to do other things, in which case he tells Girl to practice at home because she will be expected to complete the task later.

***
Simple Analysis:

What I like about this is that it incorporates punishment as play. There is a clear skill Daddy is trying to get Girl to learn. Girl is a bit mouthy and talks back and Daddy implies that if she continues that her punishment will be worse, but doesn’t threaten it directly. Daddy gives lots of second chances without being weak. Daddy equally rewards Girl with lots of praise for the things she does do right. I think this last can show Girl that even when she is a brat she can choose to make it up and make it right by doing what Daddy wants. The unsaid threat is that if she does not Daddy will go harder on her.

***
Analysis of Trust Building

I would consider this scene a very beginner scene that is tailored to build trust between Dom and sub. Here are the hidden ways I thin this scene would put a sub like me at ease and would help me to trust a Dom.

1. Starting the scene in a non-dominant unexpected way.

In this scene Daddy eases into it by being seated when Girl arrives in what looks like a very non-dominant easy going relaxed position. He then gives her a very easy, reasonable, non-threatening task that virtually no one would say “no” to even in a vanilla setting. It also serves as an ice breaker giving Girl something easy to do, without having to think about “oh crap, I’m through the door, what does he expect me to do!” … it diffuses the nerves by making an easy simple request.

2. Allow the sub to get a full view of the play space

By asking Girl to walk the whole room she gets to look at everything in the play space. Daddy hasn’t told her not to talk, she knows that when she is meeting Daddy there is likely to be some play. She can tell he is being playful because he’s up to something with that counting, but she has free run of the space and can inspect the whole thing. This helps put Girl at ease, and / or gives her an opportunity to question the play space and mention anything she is uncomfortable with.

For example, if the window is a big bay window with no curtains she might tell Daddy that she is nervous about playing in front of such a big open window where people will see. At which point – if that were true – Daddy could take that into consideration and address her concerns about the type of play and who might see and why it makes her nervous (alternatively he finds the remote for the blinds and puts her at ease by showing her the window can be covered).

3. Transparent manipulation based on choice not threats

Daddy never threatens Girl in this scene. There is no “do this or else”. He bribes her, he implies that there could be consequences but he is good humoured and good natured through the whole scene. Daddy lets girl object and then explains his reasons.

When Daddy introduces the actual game, Girl balks at it, thinks that it’s silly or resists it, she is bratty and doesn’t immediately go to do as she is told she stands up to Daddy and asks “Why?”

Instead of punishing her for asking (instead of immediately complying) Daddy explains and he transparently manipulates the explanation so that she is more likely to do it. He tells her what he wants (a graceful girl), that it will make him happy (the primary objective is to get Girl to enjoy pleasing Daddy) and then he transparently manipulates by sweetening the pot for Girl by telling her she will get a reward if she does the task. By doing this Daddy is recognizing that Girl isn’t ready to please him just because he wants to be pleased, he is bribing her to do it, but he’s also making pleasing him the primary goal and the bribe is subtle, vague and a the last consideration.

Girl is open at this point to say anything she likes, she can tell Daddy if there is anything about the scene that makes her uncomfortable, if she doesn’t think she can complete the task and why etc… etc… OR, she can join in the game. Because the game is non-threatening, and Daddy is giving her an extra incentive to “be nice” (since she knows that she should be doing that in and of itself) it makes it more comfortable for Girl to join the game.

4. Making punishment a choice for the sub not the Dom

When Daddy breaks out the punishment he doesn’t threaten Girl “you didn’t do it right so now I’m going to beat you”, he is playful, he is firm, but he makes the choice all hers.

She has to choose to bend over the table and accept the spanking. When she does this she is doing many things that build trust:
1. She is accepting that Daddy has the right to punish her.
2. She is accepting that Daddy is not punishing her because she was “bad” but because he is “correcting” her.
3. She is accepting that Daddy’s corrections will help her be better.
4. She is trusting that Daddy will not punish her in a way that will make things worse.

If Girl thought the punishment was too much, wrong, would not help, she could say so, she could explain, Daddy could listen and accept her fears and either explain why the punishment stands and will be good, or accept that her fears are new information and say how he will respect them and modify the punishment.

5. Tasks as growth opportunities for the sub and the relationship [Other scenes could provide growth, but maybe not in the same way as tasks]

The best thing about learning-task oriented games (and yes, I’m asking S., to think of a non-learning-task oriented game) is that it gives the Dom / Daddy the opportunity to mentor the sub in a very direct way so that the sub leans to trust the Dom in that mentoring role.

In this scene we can assume that Girl wants to be the Girl that Daddy wants, so when Daddy says he wants Girl to be graceful and this will help, Girl will choose to accept the mentoring learning-task game.

If Girl didn’t want to be graceful and didn’t understand why Daddy wanted that she could question it.

Also, if she didn’t think that the exercise would help her to become what Daddy wanted she could question the exercise.

Assuming she does neither she is accepting that it is desirable for her to be graceful and that learning to walk across the room with a book on her head will help her achieve that, so that Daddy in doing this game is helping her to better herself in a way that will please him, which will bring Daddy and Girl closer together.

****
I would love to hear other people’s thoughts on either my analysis of this scene or what scene you would construct yourself.

I got a second chance with S. when I lost my focus in May. I see the role of the Dom as essentially forgiving. The Dom mentors, teaches and corrects. In many ways the sub is expected to make mistakes, it is really up to the Dom to determine what level of mistakes the Dom can and will tolerate.

In the context of any relationship I believe we deserve second chances. But does this hold true in D/s where the Dom needs a second chance? Can a sub ever truly trust a Dom who has failed in some aspect? Is giving a Dom a second chance something that is doomed to fail? Or, is a second chance for a Dom simply admitting their humanity?

What about S? Are there too many red flags?

I know one big red flag is that one of the very few Real Life people who I trust most with these details of my life has said I should run.

Here is what has happened, after I agreed that we should break it off (by which time S had changed his mind), we agreed to keep communications open.

S emailed a few times, then we spoke. S has made it clear that he believes this can work and that he will do everything he needs to do to make it work. I have agreed to keep the door open, but have said we are back to square one.

Square one means that first point of contact online. Of course we cannot truly erase what has happened, but I will aim to consider S in the same light as others I am speaking with. I assume S is considering other subs.

In my ideal world S would have gone out and developed experiences with other subs before considering if he wanted to try again with me, but he seems to move faster. Generally, I am a fan of faster. However, given our rocky start I believe slow is in order.

S has been wondering if he has made progress and I eventually told him to stop asking. He is full of questions and while I appreciate his enthusiasm in getting to know me I find the constant questions tiresome and irritating. I need some discussion, conversation and substance between question and answer. Even more infuriating I find he often generalizes my specific answers into a standard, rule or point of view I would not agree with.

His key messages are on target. He assures me he has learned much about me, that he will not make the same mistake twice, that he is crazy about me, that he cares for me and wants to protect me, mentor me.

I am simply unable to take him at his word on what he has or has not learned. So, I set him a task.

I wrote a standard D/s scene, which I will post in my next entry, and then presented an analysis of it for why I believed it was a trust building exercise. I then asked him to create a scene that would also have similar trust building elements but could not be the same type of scene. That is he would need to do more than change the location, task and punishment.

I am beginning to wonder if I have stumped him. I did send it on Friday evening and have not heard from him since. We had previously agreed that we would not expect communications on weekends, but in the past he has been always quick to respond.

I did notice that he posted on FetLife asking for ideas, which both pleases me and disappoints me. I am glad that since he is a new Dom he is doing more to reach out to the community. I am sad that his instinct, despite his claims to being creative, was to crowd source this task. To date it seems no one has helped him, so if he does produce something it will at least be his own work.

Even a failed relationship is worth not wasted time, I believe this is especially true in the context of D/s. Failed relationships teach me about what I need. If I learn my lessons well it can make me both a better Domme and a better sub.

From this relationship I learned two new things, reinforced one thing and have developed a new rule.

New: An experienced Dom is essential for me.

I think this showed in a few ways. I was continually feeling my switch and Domme surface as S. was unable to maintain his dominant personality when he waffled on punishments or gave me what I felt was too much input and choice. This I may be able to deal with but would prefer not to since it took me out of my sub head space.

More important for me was the ethics dilemma. I believe a Dom who has been in the community or the lifestyle for some time would never have made that mistake, and certainly if they had would have realized why it was a mistake much sooner.

Finally I don’t think an experienced Dom would look for me to be responsible or validate their feelings the way S. did. An experienced Dom knows their responsibility is to have me explore my sexuality, not to have me inflate their ego.

New: Exhibitionism is not a hard limit for me.

I have always put exhibitionism down as a hard limit for me. Mainly because of my work it could be a disaster for my career. However, I really enjoyed it. So, given proper precautions where I felt safe (e.g. discreet locations, private clubs etc..) I think this is a real possibility for me.

Reinforced: Logistics are sexy

No really! If you get how to pick a hotel, a restaurant, the wine I don’t care if you are my sub or I am yours that is such a huge turn on for me. I hate choosing these places. I hate it even more when people choose poorly. So if you know how to set up the logistics it’s becoming a “must have” for me.

New Rule: Piss the Dom off

Usually in a D/s relationship I spend so much time trying to subdue my Domme and bring out my sub that I tip toe around the Dom trying very hard to be submissive. Ultimately I always fail. Usually this is not what ends the relationship, it is usually something more like logistics or time or job or relocation etc… etc…

However, I remember on one visit out to London and an especially fun Dom who came and played with me on short notice, he mentioned that his current sub had a practice that every Dom she was going to try in person she would stand up on the first date. She did this to see how they would react. If they reacted in a way that she didn’t like she didn’t ever see them. I remember thinking this was a bit weird but had some potential but I never tried it out.

Well it looks like inadvertently I tried that out with S. Sure it was more me panicking than planned, but the effect was the same. I was pushing back I didn’t want to do it, and S. was pushing me to do it and I went to a hard no, he reacted in anger and called the relationship to an end. That taught me two very important things about S. First that he can’t control his “anger” button and that I could drive him there very quickly and second that he was willing to cancel a relationship in a stressful moment. Knowing that up front would likely have saved us both some time and grief.

So, new rule: try to get the Dom angry and see what happens.

It is really tempting when thinking of how to break it off to imagine a conversation where I get to run through the litany of things I felt went wrong making a solid unassailable case for why this was a mistake. Doing so I have learned would just open the floodgates of argument and resentment.

So, I must keep it simple, and leave the bitching to my blog. This blog will be published over two months after this has passed and since S and I were never public on FetLife or Real Life, this is fair game in my books. I’m sorry if he feels otherwise, but then he can write his own blog about what I did wrong. This is not an attack on S, but it is venting I need to do to decompress and move on.

BACKGROUND

I suppose I should attempt to give a bit of factual (keep in mind I am biased) background.

Last week S gave me a punishment part of which I, and a growing list of FetLife members thought was strongly unethical.

We made up, and Tuesday S arranged a hotel play session for us. I was extremely unhappy by the choice of hotel thinking it was too near my home and not suited to a discreet encounter for a number of reasons.

I sent several hasty, panicky emails to S.

I called a friend and asked advice, she said he obviously didn’t understand the basics of this lifestyle (she was less diplomatic, but more funny), that I should end it, that I need to reconsider this meeting people online thing.

S sent me an email that I understood to mean that I had to to make up my mind on if I was going to the hotel or not and if I stood him up at the hotel, or didn’t respond to his e-mail there would be consequences.

I sent an email saying I had decided not to go.

S sent an order for me to go and bring the crop, I was strongly opposed to bringing the crop to a hotel I thought wasn’t discreet.

S ordered another meeting same day, with crop, I said my dominant side was coming too much to the surface and said I would not meet him.

Then I got a breather… I spent several hours trying to take stock and compose an email that would explain to S what I thought was going on with us and why.

I couldn’t get it right, the words or my tone, so I called him when I got home. This is how I found out that he had already decided to break it off.

SHOULD HAVE, COULD HAVE

I should have left well enough alone. Going into the conversation I knew that ending it was a distinct possibility, I mainly wanted to get his thoughts and let him explain in case I has misunderstood. But there it was, he had made the decision and I told him I could accept it. I should have hung up the phone at that point. But I let him talk me around, tell him why I called, answered his questions, listened to his rationales. He asked me again and again if I wanted to break it off and I couldn’t make a decision there on the phone.

Several times I went back to the fact that he had already made the decision and we should stick with it. He would ask me “is that what I really want?” I should have said ‘yes’, but I didn’t know in that moment.

He says he made the decision in haste and in anger. I did not want to do the same, I wanted to be clear headed and calm.

SWITCH BITCH

I try never to make relationship decisions when I am feeling emotional because I know my emotions not only have a wide range, they have multiple tracks depending on if I am feeling submissive, switchy, or dominant.

As a switch I lean more towards the dominant. It is always an effort for me to be submissive, dominance is effortless. And my Domme protects my sub self. I am always clear in the beginning with a Dom that I am not a natural sub, that I am willful, headstrong, and disobedient.

My Domme will slowly let go as I gain trust in a partner. As she sees the other person as in-control she is willing to step back and take a load off, freeing herself of her responsibilities. This is what is so attractive about playing the sub, the freedom from all the responsibility.

However if she senses that you can’t handle the task adequately she will get up onto her feet and do it herself, properly! And, she isn’t going to thank you for it because she was looking forward to a nice long soak in the tub with a good book and some candles.

Worse yet, if she senses that you are not in control or possibly going out of control she will step up scoot the sub behind her skirts and protect her. Because you obviously are not capable of that… Shooo, scoot now y’hear! Good for nothing man! I will ram-rod you with my stiletto if I need to!.. Poor baby, men are worthless.

SIGNS, SIGNS, READ THE SIGNS!

Until I called S and found out he had become so angry as to end the relationship in a moment of anger the Domme in me was coming close to the “if you can’t do this, I’ll bloody well have to do it myself.”

After a night to sleep on it the Domme in me is sending up flares saying that the sub needs to stop worrying about IF he can handle ethics and discreet logistics and pay much more attention to this “acts in anger” behaviour which is a much bigger much more dangerous sign that needs to be heeded.

Even if I take away the action piece, says my Domme side, the fact is that I pushed him to that level of anger unintentionally and without trying. Part of being a sub is trusting that I can let my emotions run rampant as I try new things that test my limits that scare me. As we go into those areas those emotions will not always, if ever, be pretty. A Dom needs to be able to withstand negative emotions from a sub. Be unflappable. A Dom who is so easily pushed to anger cannot possibly be in control of their own emotions let alone help a sub through their own.

Or on the flip side, if the anger wasn’t there and it was only the action of ending the relationship in a moment if stress, could that ever create a safe space to be a sub? My Domne doesn’t think so. D/s relationships will end, but that should happen in a calm moment that doesn’t involve play or obedience when both parties can calmly reflect on the relationship and if it is still meeting the needs it was created to meet. If a sub knows the relationship may end at any time because on order was disobeyed or a task not completed properly the sub will never trust enough to test their limits or let go of control because if they get out of control they may inadvertently end the relationship.

THERAPUTIC DEAR JOHN LETTERS

Dear Wanna-be Dom,

That is what you are, a wanna-be. You want me to say I need you, you want me to tell you I think of you always, you want to be trusted, you want to be seen as ethical, we want to take care of me, you want to show that you can be the man I need… But you don’t deliver. You want all of the things before you have done the work to earn them.

Dear paragon of trust,

You think that I should trust you to have respect for me when you cannot be responsible enough to show respect for others. You think I should trust you to create a safe discreet haven for us to play when you can’t think of the very basic logistics. You think I should trust you with my power and emotions when you cannot control your own. You think I should trust you with my heart when yours is so easily swayed and inconsistent.

Dear unaware of my needs

Being my Dom doesn’t mean getting aggressive when I express concerns. Being my Dom doesn’t mean enforcing the rules only after I have called your attention to the fact that I have broken them. Being my Dom means understanding my emotions and my needs and being a teacher to me, not the reverse.

Dear withholding critical information

I know how sensitive men are about their male parts. Which is why I am clear about how much I like sex, intercourse, penetrating sex. Keep in mind that I am also bi, so I have been fucked with strap-ons.

Here’s the thing: I am open to modifications, like strap-ons, like involving public play and other men.

But when you led me on and told me that the reason you were not fucking me was because I needed to beg for it more? Seriously! What were you going to do (especially if you knew the pharmaceuticals don’t work that well) when we were alone and naked and you couldn’t fuck me? Had you thought about how much trust you would lose in that instant, how I would definitely switch and know that you were so ashamed of your secret that you couldn’t admit it even to yourself let alone me. That I would lose all respect for you because you had lied to both if us and led me on. How I would know without a doubt that if you cannot control and / or compensate for your own body that I should never trust you with my body and its limits.

Dear S,

I agree with your original decision and with your reasoning. The fact that I can push you to such anger, so quickly that you would end the relationship is a clear sign that we should not proceed. You do not possess the emotional fortitude my Dom will require and I do not possess the submissive consistency that you need. After clear reflection and time, without emotional stress and duress I recognize that this must end. I am withdrawing my consent, I am accepting your proposal to end this relationship.

Not Your Girl

BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO, BUT IT IS DONE

I called S to tell him that I thought we needed to end it. I personally think ending a relationship over e-mail is tacky, the phone is not great, but is marginally more humane.

I kept the conversation more or less in lines with the last letter actually to S. He wanted me to expand a bit on particular behaviours and conversations that had angered him. At the end of the conversation I think he had a better understanding of my actions, and the reasons for them.

He took the break up standing up (metaphorically), said he would not beg (thank god). Then he e-mailed and phoned me 15 min later saying the door was still open.

I’m not sure how I feel about that last. He may slam the door in my face once this blog post appears. That would be fair, but it would also confirm for me that he is not capable of handling the emotions I would go through as a sub.